


Born of an Angel

by a_spec_intheOcean



Category: Holby City
Genre: Also who's gonna comfort my girls Ange and Chloe, Ange being a great mum, Dom is a great big brother, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, I'm hurt too but like who's gonna comfort me?, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mainly hurt tho sadly, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Rape, Other, how s21 ep 19 should have gone, implied post traumatic stress disorder, mentions anxiety, mentions mental health break downs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-05 12:53:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18829048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_spec_intheOcean/pseuds/a_spec_intheOcean
Summary: Ange set up the YAU because she has been lying to herself for almost as long as she can remember. She doesn't want young and vulnerable patients to suffer in the same way, her goal is to make sure non of her patients leave lying to themselves - she knows first hand what that's like, though she'd never tell them...But you can't lie forever. She knows she needs to tell both her children this, for all their sakes.And she needs to make sure that they hear her real truth from her. Not the rumours she's paranoid will start to spread.In which Ange gets to tell Chloe about Dom being her half brother.





	Born of an Angel

**Author's Note:**

> My writing is anything but perfect, so please bear with me on this!!
> 
> Ange is never going to find a perfect way of telling Chloe about Dom, but anything is better than Chloe figuring it how she did last week.

Lying is hard.    
Especially when it's a long term lie... Making sure the story’s the same -I don't know if you could call mine a lie, Ange thought to herself, making sure she was the only one in the staff room before she let her thoughts completely runaway with themselves.  

It’s not the truth... but it’s more like a wish than a lie- I hadn't meant to lie - my mum assumed- and I didn't have the knowledge or words at that age to correct her. I had to go along with it, even though I knew deep down it wasn’t quite right. When I understood why it wasn’t right, it was too late. I couldn’t go back and nothing could be changed 

 _I've_ _lived the consequences ever since._    
My 'lie' didn't get easier. It got harder, but wasn’t like anyone asked, so I didn’t have to lie. And the two that did, well- 

The first was new nurse when I gave birth, I didn't have the word ‘rape’ then, neither did she. But she listened. She tried so hard to tell the doctors and other nurses, but it was too late. They believed their own assumptions and no one could change that.  

They laughed, said I was lying to cover my dignity.  

The other was my teacher after  _that_  lesson. The sex-ed lesson about rape. _That_  lesson came a few years too late for me. It was my reaction prompted her to ask, I guess having to leave the classroom to have a breakdown in the loo was a cause for concern. But I was a few years into the lie by then -And I couldn't face being laughed at like that again. So, I lied. In hindsight that is probably when it really had to become my truth. 

It wasn’t too late for Chloe – the word wasn’t a shameful dead-weight, there was a freedom in  _knowing_  that what had happened couldn’t have been right. But it wasn’t a dead-weight. It didn't change anything I did. Only two things. I felt a lot less alone, less broken. But the most noticeable, it changed how people treated me. Sympathy, rather than disgust.   
 

Lying to myself, about my boy was my only option. It made lying to everyone else easier, with time. It pushed the real truth further and further away way, turning into an unacknowledged detail, which became just a reoccurring nightmare rather than a memory. Till at some point it almost felt like the truth. My own personal version of the truth, anyways. 

 _I almost believed it myself-_  

Reaching the other side of the room, leant against the work surface-   
Thinking back to it, I can't believe only one person asked.  _Why_ _ha_ _d_ _it only been her_ _?_ _Why couldn’t they have taken her seriously?_  If it happened now - if a pregnant 13-year-old was to walk onto the ward, as a doctor you are obligated- no, you have a duty of care to ask if they were a victim of rape.    
Back then... no one asked. Not even my mum. I didn't know that word back then- Looks like you only gave Dom half the warning he needed- should'a warned him how you would react too...    
Maybe it’s better I didn't? He would have blamed himself for the total mess I'm being. Right now, and for the past 33 or so years. Well 30 really, after Chloe... _you shouldn’t still be getting all worked up over this really, you should be over it by now?_  The harsh intrusive thought snapped. It was right, thought, wasn't it?  

No, you need to stop thinking about it. -its only 'cause I'm thinking about it.   
   
A few more breaths and she forced herself to push the switch. The staff room kettle slowly whirrs to life.    
I could have kept on lying to myself. Easily.   
But Dom's here now- he'd been asking about his father- Ange lifted a mug from the draining board, placing it the right way up – 

At first I told him my not quite lie. What I'd been telling herself, since before he was born. I told him I wasn't raped. The story which has been my safe heaven.    
My truth. The version of the truth which meant I could pretend it had been different. Pretend it wasn't what it was. Just Pretend.- 

With another jagged breath, she grabbed the tea tin. Prising at the lid.   
   
\- But that is all I've been doing for all these years. Pretending.    
He had expected my pretend truth - but... it's my fault he'd had live a lie, I gave him up. So it’s my fault Carole and Barry didn't- he's had to obviously live a lie almost as long as I have. Only that lie had been his whole life. I couldn't mislead him in to that again. Living another lie obliviously for the rest of his life for the sake of my sanity. He needed to know the truth. The truth always finds a way out, anyways. And it needed to come from me, with an apology. I knew he'd never trust me again if he found it out.  

Besides, it was only fair he should know who his father really was. - I couldn't lie to him- he had reacted so well when I told him about Chloe’s dad...    
I had to try and come to terms with the truth. The real, whole truth. I needed to tell them both -whilst I still could.  

I started with Dom, he knew most of it, so it was easier... just filling in a few blanks, and replacing my lie with the truth.   
The thought of telling him hunted her.   
Telling him had been really,  _really_  hard. But cathartic. -In an opening old wounds kinda way. Wounds which never fully heal, even if they are treated. Wounds which she never had treated, so could never really heal. Opening old unhealed wounds was the best way of describing it.  

Probably what it would be like to run full speed into a brick wall.    
Painful.   
Imperative - almost, in this case. Still just as painful.   
   
After explaining why I'd lied -and then that I hadn't meant to, I really hadn't- just after all the years of telling myself that, for my own sanity - it'd become my answer- not that anyone asked, why would they? -I was at the point where telling the truth had felt like a lie.    
Once he'd calmed down, he said he'd forgiven me- I hope Chloe will to. Minus the sympathetic look, like some I was some poor, helpless teen. - well he's 33 years too late. That helpless teen is long gone. It took me a life time to be make everyone think I was something other than that. 

 

   
The lid pinged off with a jolt.  _How long did that actually take?_  She dropping a bag in and half-heartedly pinched a spoon from the draining board. She let out an exhale. Her eyes didn’t feel as got any more. But her vision was more blurry, she raised her hand and sure enough there where tears. She wiped them quickly cautious not to smudge her make-up. 

The truth always finds a way out, which is why I need to tell Chloe. If she's going to hear it then it should come from me.   
Ange hadn't really thought about how to tell Chloe when she'd decided to, nor when she told Dom.  

But it was catching up with her now, like a tidal wave of fear.   
That would be much harder. But at least Chloe’s in a good place right now. What's with that Evan gone. Ange was planning on telling her tonight. Yes, it would ruin their mother and daughter time, no doubt about it. But she needed to say it. 

   
I know I should have told her when she was younger, back when I told her about her dad... I really was going to. But she just broke down. It was a shook, obviously- and obviously she'd broken down, wouldn't anyone? But watching helplessly as your daughter breaks down in front of you - you have to help her, not add wood to the fire. Though thinking back to it, it would have been better to tell her before now at least. But how could she have?  

 _'fully recovered doesn't mean you won't have the occasional blip'_  a phrase her old therapist used to say. She hadn't seen her in about 20 years now, but it had stuck. She had recited it to herself countless times over the years. It had helped that day, with telling Chloe. And after she had a few break downs about it after Chloe had gone to bed. Chanting it to myself now will probably help.   
   
"Penny for them?" Chloe snickers. Ange jumps, head snapping round towards her daughter's voice.    
Chloe, barely a metre away, was casually leaning back against the counter as she laughed a little harder in amusement- terror sweeping her mum's face.   
The kettle flicked up, causing Ange pretty much jump out her skin.   
"Lemme guess- you watched some horror film last night?"   
"Something like that..." Ange using her not quite lying to anyone other than yourself skill.    
It's not a lie per se. If 'The worst ways she'll react' counted as a horror then yeah "How long have you been here?"    
   
"It's Lovely ta see you too mum." Chloe states, sarcasm practically dripping off her tongue.   
"No, really -when did you come in?" She laughs it off.   
"Quite a while - I did say hi, you were just in your own world"   
   
She even spoke and- When exactly did she come in?    
-Oh god what if I've been talking to myself and she's heard? She studied her face. Chloe didn't look shocked. but you can never tell - No. No, don't be ridiculous. She won't be laughing if- but -nope! It's okay just play it cool, make a joke out of asking, and if you where, then we'll just have to cross that bridge...  Try not to be too suspicious.   
   
She repairing her composure she asked -"I wasn't talking to myself was I?"   
"No, no you weren't,"   
"Oh thank- I mean good... wouldn't want anyone thinking I'd gone mad, would we?" back tracking her blunder with a laugh, hoping close wouldn't notice. Turning back to the kettle.    
"Right..."    
Ange pours the boiling water. "Want one? Ah... okay, sorry" she says as Chloe slides her mug in Ange's direction. She fills it up, puts the kettle back. Ready for it's next use, going back to staring into the depths of her tea.   
I need to be more careful. I need to tell her probably. She couldn't have Chloe find out by it accidently slipping.    
"You alright?" Chloe questions as she passes the milk.   
"Uhm?" She processes the question, removing the tea bag, and adding milk -"Yeah- why wouldn't I be?"   
"Oh it's- s'just, I dunno!? You've seemed ya know, bit off - on edge and kinda distant? recently"   
   
_It's easy to forget I need to be discreet about Dom. Chloe's not 6 anymore, she will -and has noticed._    
   
_What do I say to that?_ _What can I say t_ _hat won't_ _make her_ _freak_ _, is the question-_ If she's spoked she won't come tonight, and I need to tell her -as much of it as she can take. I don't want her finding out from some rumour.    
_Given how chose I've got with Dom it'll only be a matter of time before rumours start to fly. It has to be tonight. Or maybe- maybe I could tell her now?_     
   
"Mum...?"   
Ange looks up. Looking into her daughter's eyes was like looking into a mirror. The tidal wave of fear inched ever closer.   
   
_Should I tell her now? And here? Would_ _she torture_ _her_ _self_ _too much_ _about it_ _?_ _-_ _I told_  

 _D_ _om here - but he already_ _kinda_ _new... and they are both very different..._    
   
"Chloe - er, I need to - I've got something I need to-" ignoring her doubts she spoke. Her words are meet with a confused frown, instantly regretting her choice.  _I can't un-say it back now. Can I?_ "It's ar... why don't we sit down -ay?" She gestures to the table.    
   
_Pull yourself together, Ange! Chloe looks anxious_ _enough_ _as it is. You being anxious can't be helping her._    
   
Sitting down, she takes a deep breath. "So, I was gonna tell you this tonight, but, well-"    
Just then Chloe's pager buzzes. She picks it up.  
_"ED. RESUS. Urgent consult. Bay 3"_  Chloe reads "I'm sorry I've got to go-" taking a swig of her tea and springing up from her seat.   
"No need to apologise-"   
Chloe jogs round the table and off, turning back as she reaches the door. "Tonight though yeah? 8:30?"   
"Yeah"   
   
And with that she was gone.   
   
_How do am I supposed to-? - Where do I even start?_    
   
_I've told Dom I'll tell her, so I'm going to have to. She needs to know. I should have told her when I told her about her father - I would only have to elaborate..._    
_...but she had been so devastated- would this ruin her mental state more? This will be just as bad as telling her about her father._    
   
_At least I've got more time to figure out what to say... should I even tell her?_  

**Author's Note:**

> Yay!! you made it!! -good for you, tbh I probably won't have made it through all that drab, but you did, so well done!
> 
> Let me know what you thought, I should have the next chapter up with in a few, but I'm in my final year at college (or 6th form for those of you who go to one of those) and its stress so it might be a bit later!


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